


If Mending Hearts Is Impossible, Then Gluing Will Have To Do

by nowhere_blake



Category: Ant & Dec RPF
Genre: How Did This Thing Even Happen, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, It's So Weird For Me To Write Stephen/Dec, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-15
Updated: 2015-06-15
Packaged: 2018-04-04 13:51:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4140150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nowhere_blake/pseuds/nowhere_blake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's so typical of Dec to get into this messy thing with Stephen, while trying to deal with the fact that he's very much in love. Oh, not with Stephen, no. With his best friend.</p>
<p> <br/>  <i>Apparently someone as desperately in love as Dec, Scottish whiskey and Stephen's sun-bright smile don't mix very well.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	If Mending Hearts Is Impossible, Then Gluing Will Have To Do

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so, er, well. I'm pretty surprised that I wrote this thing, because usually I find the whole Dec/Stephen thing pretty um... weird and it's totally not my thing, but **cumbermybatch** asked me to do something like this and then I got inspired, and while it's probably not strictly the usual kind of Dec and Stephen fic, well... Here it is. Hope you enjoy! :)

The first time it happens they are in Scotland and that's particularly bad, because of all the Scottish whiskey that's involved and Dec obviously drinks way too much and it's not like he even feels like drinking Scottish whiskey (it's not like he ever does), but the concierge at the hotel kind of bullies them into this whiskey tasting touristy thing and both Stephen and Lisa are so excited about it, so of course they all have to go. And then comes a point (quite a bit of Scottish whiskey later) when even Dec doesn't think this is such a bad idea, but oh god, it so is.

The worst thing about it is that he knows that he shouldn't. He knows, he shouldn't react to Stephen's flirting, he knows that he shouldn't flirt back and he definitely knows he shouldn't drink this much, especially when Stephen's hand at the small of his back feels so reassuring and intimate.

Still, all this would be pretty okay and even something that he can handle easily. But the minute that he starts thinking about Ant, he is pretty much fucked. It's something stupid, like Stephen just says something surprisingly funny and Dec laughs and he grabs Stephen's arm and he holds onto it and oh, this feels pretty nice, just laughing with Stephen and then he suddenly remembers that joke that Ant told him the other day and shit, that's just it, that's all it takes, he's so absolutely fucked.

The whole thing just kind of slips away from him and it's not like he is so drunk that it's all blurry or anything, no, he is totally clear-headed, like he gives Stephen consent and all that and jesus, he even asks him to do certain things and…

Apparently someone as desperately in love as Dec, Scottish whiskey and Stephen's sun-bright smile don't mix very well. And now here he is, in his stupid hotel room, with a massive hangover and Stephen right next to him, presumably pretty naked underneath the covers and oh shit. Dec has no idea how it's possible for things to get so out of hand this quickly.  
  
Because, well, he likes Stephen, he really does, but he just... He can't see the two of them together. He simply just can't imagine it, it just doesn't feel- Oh, how unbelievably stupid, but it doesn't feel _right_ , no matter how many times and how desperately Dec tries to picture the two of them dating. Because wouldn't him and Stephen being together make everything so much easier? Maybe Ant would stop with looking so guilty every time he has to cancel on him because of Lisa and maybe he would stop with all those pitiful smiles every time Dec is the only one who shows up to somewhere alone, without a partner. (He knows, Ant's not doing it on purpose – not that he would have the right to be angry with him, even if he was doing it on purpose – and he knows that Ant thinks that he can't see it, but of course he can, oh come on now, they are _Ant and Dec_ after all.) So yeah, to be honest Stephen would be so perfect for that, Stephen would be so great just in general, and he wishes he felt anything deep for him, but…

Dec doesn't really remember how and when his life got this complicated... Maybe around the time when him and Ant were 16 and Dec first thought about kissing him, or maybe when two years ago he got too drunk and told Ant everything, or maybe a week later when Ant brought it up and refused to pretend any more that he didn't remember any of it. Or maybe that was all fine and still pretty handleable, and maybe things only got this messed up when Dec decided to hook up with Stephen fucking Mulhern last night.

And how typical of Dec to get even deeper into this complicated mess, and of course, he's never been able to stop himself from being stupid and causing himself more and more pain and also, who is he to deny himself some fun every now and then, so he sleeps with Stephen the next night too and four other times (well, actually, that one really doesn't count, so three and a half) during that BGT audition tour and he gets really good at avoiding looking Ant in the eye at breakfast.

 

 

The tenth and a half time is a couple of months later and Dec is completely sober, so he doesn't even have the whole 'too much to drink' excuse. He is very aware of how pathetic it is to call Stephen at 9pm on a Wednesday and – even worse – he doesn't even bother with an excuse, it's just all, _hi Steve, how are you, wanna come around mine_ _to just… you know_ _, like I don't know, around… now-ish?_ At this point it doesn't really occur to him what it means that Stephen doesn't ask questions, he just laughs adorably into the phone and Dec can already hear him getting his car keys. To be perfectly honest, he doesn't really care about Stephen, or anything he does, he doesn't think about it at all that Stephen might have a reason to be this nice and this obliging, because he is way too absorbed in his own little clichéd misery to even consider that.

The thing is that Ant is planning all these incredibly romantic anniversary things for Lisa and he's so excited about it and Dec helps with planning and booking and brainstorming and flower-picking and that's all fine and great and absolutely normal and then… Then Ant, darling darling Ant, who is always trying to be supportive and understanding suddenly looks up and says,

'Oh, shit. I- Declan, man, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to… How stupid I am to do to all this stuff with you like, I'm-'

And Dec stops him before it could get even more embarrassing, but obviously the damage is already done – the rest of the day is just so awkward and god, Dec just wishes he never told Ant. It's weird how every time the topic comes up, their friendship, their incredibly close bond just ceases to exist, and the usual ways to handle arguments and disagreements just don't work any more.

Dec suspects that Ant feels pretty guilty and probably even _responsible_ , which is just so stupid, because it's not like Ant did anything at all to get them into this situation. And Ant just doesn't seem to understand that just because he is new to the situation, Dec is so not. Dec had practice at this, it's not like he hasn't been dealing with it since he was a teenager – he's been doing it so long that nowadays the pain that he feels at times someone jokes about them being gay, or when Ant does something cute with Lisa is so so numb that sometimes he doesn't even notice it any more.

But Ant obviously doesn't know about that and why would he, they try to avoid the topic as much as they can, and at around 7pm they just give up pretending that everything is fine and totally not awkward _at all_ , and Ant just goes home and that's when the misery bit starts, because… Well, Dec, of course, knows that his hopes and dreams will never come true, he's known that for a really long time, so he is almost not even disappointed at all, but fuck, this thing is now interfering with their friendship and just how shitty is that?!

So he calls Stephen and Stephen gets there in like 40 minutes and they don't even waste any time – the door closes behind him and Dec's already kissing him, pinning him to a wall, like his life depended on it. And Stephen likes it; he smiles into Dec's heated kisses and they end up on the sofa, which is pretty uncomfortable and kind of too small, but god, it's exactly what Dec needs.

They fall asleep right there, still all sweaty and sticky and Stephen puts his arms around him and breathes a tender little kiss on Dec's shoulder and that's really nice, because it actually feels like they have like an emotional connection and all that and _wow_ , that means maybe Dec should reconsider the whole 'not being able to imagine the two of them dating' thing.

Dec wakes up to the smell of coffee the next morning and Stephen looks really cute in his kitchen while looking for mugs (hair sticking up in every possible direction and his eyes sparkling brightly, an ungodly colour of blue), but then Dec belatedly realises that he dreamt about Ant and jesus, how fucked up is that.

He tries to not think about it and he pretends that he is in an actual relationship with Stephen while they are eating their breakfast, chatting away idly. It's quite easy actually to kind of just forget that they are just having sex and like not dating or anything, but then he can hear the front door open and he freezes and his heart sinks and he feels like dying. Because, of fucking course, who is the only one who has a key to his house? Ant. His best friend. The person he's been in love with since he can remember.

Ant is still out in the hall when he starts speaking, cheerfully, probably all smiles and brightness, while kicking off his shoes, 'I was gonna make youse breakfast, but it looks like you're already up, but I thought we should totally go, play golf today and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for what happened yesterday, I shouldn't have assumed-'

That's the point when Ant reaches the kitchen, and he stops dead in his tracks in the door and he is cradling two Heinz bean cans, a couple of eggs and some bacon in his arms and he looks so goddamn surprised when he sees the two of them at the table that it breaks Dec's fucking heart even further, to tiny tiny pieces (which he thought was absolutely impossible – it's been so unmendibly broken since Ant started dating his first girlfriend) and also, to make matters worse, Stephen is kind of smiling apologetically and his hand is on Dec's thigh and just… jesus. How the fuck is this his life?

Ant apologises, still kind of gob-smacked, then leaves really really hurriedly and Dec feels sort of paralysed, like he doesn't know what to do, or even how to handle any of this.

Stephen seems sort of understanding of all of this and he leaves pretty soon too, but not before kissing Dec sweetly on the cheek and Dec thinks, he might even feel something, low in his stomach, the butterfly sort of stuff, but then as he is left alone, his thoughts go back to their normal flow and state; always always revolving around Ant.

He doesn't really let himself think about it, he goes straight to Ant's and it seems like Ant tries the sulky, too hurt and confused method and he doesn't answer the door for about 15 minutes. Then he obviously changes his mind and goes down the angry and confused route and lets Dec in, all grumpy and cursing under his nose. As it turns out, his main problem is that Dec never told him about Stephen and _well_ , there is nothing to tell really, but... Okay, _fair enough_ , although Dec's not sure the whole 'I'm feeling so shitty about being in love with you that Stephen and I sometimes fuck' thing would have gone down very well. Still, Dec understands and it feels so good that this is finally a friendship thing – Ant is angry because his best friend hasn't told him about this guy he was sleeping with – and not some kind of sick being in love with my best mate thing.

There is some disappointment there though too. Because when Ant manages to calm down, he looks really kind of happy and pleased and the reason for that is that he clearly came to the conclusion that Dec is finally moving on (Haha, you would think it was time after about 20 years, right? Yeah, he _wishes._ ) and for some twisted, sick reason Dec hates that. He wants Ant to know that he's so not over him, he wants him to know that Stephen doesn't really mean anything, that he still dreams about Ant (literally) and he wants Ant to understand that this is not something that can just go away that easily. He feels like he betrayed Ant somehow.

But Ant seems so happy for him and he's asking questions about Stephen, like any other best friend would do and he wants to know everything and he laughs at the funny parts and he cringes at the intimate little stupid gay things and Dec tells him everything he wants to know and pretends it doesn't feel like he's been stabbed in the heart when he does so. For Ant's sake. Because he loves him. And he simply just can't be that selfish.

 

 

He avoids Stephen for a really long time after the whole breakfast incident, but then Stephen just doesn't stop calling him and there's Ant's annoying nagging all the time, so he decides that another night of meaningless sex can't really hurt – hopefully both Stephen and Ant will calm down enough after that, so they leave him alone and he can finally figure out how to deal with this. Or even better, book a plane ticket to Majorca and never come back.

But then Steve shows up with flowers and a bottle of wine and kisses him on the mouth as he comes in and _wow_ , Dec thinks, _things escalated a bit quickly_ , but then he actually, for the first time starts thinking about things from Stephen's perspective and oh shit. Dec comes to the conclusion that Steve might possibly be kind of a little bit in love with him and _huh_. It feels really weird to be on the other side of that. The realisation also prompts him to think about how he treated Steve in this whole fucked up thing and wow, he was a selfish little bastard. Like, seriously, Steve just put up with all of his shit – drunken calls, moaning about Ant, expecting him to come around at basically any time of the day and be ready for sex and – just how horrible is Dec? - he's pretty sure that he called him Ant in bed before. Like, _several times_.

So when it happens the eleventh and a half time, he lets Steve top and that's… a step forward, Dec thinks. It means, he is willing to let things get out of his control in a way that is so unlike him and, consequently that means, he's kind of moving on, right? Also, since when has he started calling him Steve?!

And it's even romantic and everything and now that Dec is willing to kind of look at him as a potential partner, boyfriend or whatever they call that sort of thing nowadays, and not just a rebound for Ant, well… Steve is handsome, pretty funny and he wants to make Dec happy so badly. So Dec just lets himself go, trying to enjoy life, getting lost in the moment and all that shit and when Stephen runs out of clothing options after the fifth day he spends at Dec's and he finally leaves, Dec finds himself missing him. Kinda. The house is weirdly empty without him and he even catches himself smiling when he thinks about texting him, but then he realises that he hasn't talked to Ant in like three days and that scares him so much that he pretty much forgets about Stephen completely.

He calls Ant before walking over and Ant seems a bit grumpy about him disappearing, but also quite happy for him.

'So what now, are you like together?' he asks with a grin and wow, Dec needs to stop and think that through. Because, they sort of very very carefully touched on that topic with Steve about a day ago and it was very clear that he was willing to give Dec all the time in the world to be ready for publicly dating and also, like coming out and stuff and… Well, Dec doesn't really know.

And perhaps Ant is not the best person to talk to about this, but Dec feels strangely comfortable telling him everything, even though he can't really control it any more, the words are basically just bubbling out of him in a pretty unstoppable way.

'…and I mean, I like him, _well_ , I'm pretty sure that I like him, but you know, I just feel so guilty like and it's so stupid, but I've been in love with you for such a long time that I don't even know how to do this properly and it's like so confusing and sometimes I think, just fuck it, I don't need to be with anyone, but just this morning when he left, it was just so strange, like I got so used to it and…'

And while Ant seems pretty taken aback by all the stuff that Dec's saying – he's never been the one to be very open about things, especially love, especially to Ant – but he handles it pretty well and tells him what he thinks and even lets Dec cry into his shoulder at some point when the whole thing just gets too emotionally exhausting. Then Dec runs out of words and god, it feels so good to have just let it all out, but he also feels so worn out and he eventually falls asleep after their second episode of Broadchurch and he's snuggled up warm and cosy into Ant's side and it's just so perfectly _them_ and it feels so good, because it means he can't and won't ever lose Ant, no matter what happens.

 

 

Dec has no idea how any of this happened, but they are in a hotel and it's warm and sunny and the door closes behind them and he is just so happy, he could talk Stephen out of the whole carrying through the threshold thing (they are not even at home, come on!). At this point Dec has no idea how many times and a half or how long it's been happening and he doesn't really care. They are on Barbados for their honeymoon, because Steve thinks it's so clichéd that it's actually funny and who is Dec to disagree with him.

It kind of surprises him how fast they got to this point of loving and tenderness and belonging, because it really didn't start out like _this_. This beautiful and this easy and this great. And of course it's not like it's perfect or anything – Dec still has feelings for Ant and he still needs to get used to so many things about Stephen (things that he knows about Ant, because they've just known each other for so long), but it's working out pretty good. He's like even… happy and stuff.

And yes, it's a bit early and it's a bit fast when Stephen asks him and he would be surprised if he hadn't found the ring in Stephen's drawer two weeks before that (actually he was a fair bit of surprised _then_ ), but he's even more surprised when he just simply says _yes_. Not without second-guessing himself of course, but he does that with everything and they even get into a pretty nasty fight with Stephen (and then Ant, who finally manages to catch on and realise that the reason why Dec is not willing to commit to anyone or anything is because that makes him feel like he's giving up on Ant), but then everything just kind of turns out to be okay – Stephen is understanding and is very aware of Dec's struggle and Ant… Well, with Ant it's always been heartbreakingly easy – they just laugh it off and that's all it is.

And Dec still sort of finds it hard to believe that he's having a wedding and Ant is making the second funniest best man speech in the world (Dec's was funniest, of course!) and he is saying _I do_ and it's just so… overwhelming. He laughs at Stephen and then he looks at Ant, who honest to god has tears in his eyes and then Stephen disappears to dance with Dec's mam and Ant is getting some more cake and he finally has some time to be alone and just think and to sort of just make his brain try to catch up with things and then… Then he suddenly finds himself in a sunny hotel room on Barbados and Stephen is singing in the bathroom and he sounds godawful and Dec feels that sharp sort of familiar twinge, low in his stomach, because he thinks of Ant for some reason, he thinks about what he always wanted, what he could never have, but he takes a deep breath and smiles his way through it. He reminds himself that he doesn't have to be guilty, he doesn't have to feel anything that he doesn't actually want to. Because he owes it to himself to be happy. And he finally is.


End file.
